impinged

Driving back from a weekend with friends in Whistler I tried putting into words the things I learned this weekend. I’m not sure I can do a great job of conveying the intimate experience I had. Coming up to Whistler I knew God was working on something for me. I knew he wanted me there even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I thought I was in for a self confidence lesson or maybe to be a positive influence on my friends. I was wrong.

I learned a lot about myself. God has been speaking to me about women. This weekend he was very direct in showing me I needed to change the way I viewed women. He showed me that they are the pinnacle of his creation. That the beauty and glory of God are revealed through women. A woman wants nothing more than to know she is worthy - that she is beautiful. With this revelation I couldn’t just go to the clubs and pick up on girls for my own gratification, just so they could satisfy my need to know if I have what it takes. The time I spent in the clubs I felt sad for the girls. They were there to be used. All I saw was young girls searching for validation of their beauty. And there were a million men there to offer that validation if the girl was willing to sacrifice herself… her soul.

Yesterday it started snowing hard. I was restless and desirous of some quiet time to pray. So I got bundled up and sneaked out the condo for a walk in the snow alone. It was breath taking. The flakes were large and floating straight down. Everything was blanketed in a silent sheet of white. I was in a fantastic winter wonderland nestled far up in the mountains. It was there, in the middle of this beauty, that God broke my heart and I began to cry. My heart was broken for all the women who don’t know they are beautiful. There I was, surrounded by the magnificent beauty of snow falling in the mountains, and it didn’t compare to the beauty of a woman, all women. And I cried because I had never realized it before. Most men don’t realize it and because of it women are lonely. I cried for all the women I’ve had the chance to tell, and not with words, that they are beautiful. Then I cried and repented because I’ve never told a single one.

I told them with words or actions motivated by selfishness but never really told them. Never told them with complete self abondonment. Showed them in a way that was believable and not superficial. Showed them with a pursuit that says you are worthy of pursuing; you are worthy of sacrifice. I choose you not because of the needs you satisfy in me but because you are worthy, because you are beautiful. I ache for the women I’ve known because I know none of them really believe they are beautiful, and they are lonely. But they are beautiful; every one of them is uniquely beautiful and I missed my opportunity. And that breaks my heart because I don’t know how to tell them now. And this broken heart has changed me.

New Year’s eve a friend and I were talking about drinking and driving. He told me he won’t drive anymore if he has even one beer. Which is a great relief because I’ve chewed him out for driving when he was way to drunk. His decision came after realizing that he has probably used up all his second chances and he doesn’t want to ruin someone’s life by driving drunk. He realized what a selfish act it is to get behind the wheel after drinking. He reminded me of the conclusion I’ve come to: that I’ve used up every bit of grace afforded me in that area. When I said that he looked at me and said, “Well God must have a plan for you.” This took me a little by surprise coming from him because he and I aren’t particularly close and I don’t see him as being very spiritual. So I think coming from him it had more of an impact than coming from someone like a pastor - who you would expect to say something like that.

Since that night his words have been rolling over and over in my mind. These words have given me a different perspective on life. Knowing that God spared me during my most reckless years really says to me that he does have a plan for me. And if he has a plan for me then I don’t ever have to worry about what is going to happen to me or about death or dieing. My life is in his hands and I won’t be going anywhere until he is finished with me. And I think he has a lot for me to accomplish yet.

In a way this perspective frees me to live life a little recklessly - to take chances that normally fear or timidity would have held me back from. Chasing life, adventure, danger in order to experience life to its fullest and not with a spirit of timidity. Like I used to.

Through this I think I understand a little better how a man only truly lives when he truly dies: how a person only gains their life by loosing it. It is in this loving life so much that you are willing to risk everything to live it, even death.

Seek life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

This is the story of a soldier, pinned down by the enemy on the battlefield. To stay is certain death, and he wants to live. His will to live is so great that he stands up to fight his way out. Knowing he may die trying, it is a risk he is willing to take.

I went to my aunt’s this weekend. I came here looking for something - not sure what it was or what I would find. In some ways I was scared. I knew there was something upstairs, trying to get out, but I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that I wouldn’t find it at home, that this is one of the only places in the world where life makes sense, and that I had to come here to find it.

And there it was, alone in the pouring rain, it was me. I found me. I found out who I am… my name.

Like all men, I’m still a boy in what I want in life. I want adventure, a battle to fight, danger, and a damsel to save. But where do I find these things? My adventure is life. The danger is change. The battle is fear. My strength is faith that there is purpose for my life. And the damsel? She’s still in the castle with the dragon outside. This is my life and I choose to live it, not merely exist.

This brings me to who I am and what I came here for. It isn’t just who I am, it is who I believe I am. This may seem redundant but there is often a difference there. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am strong physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am strong physically because I exercise every day. I am strong mentally because I was weak. I am strong spiritually because I’ve been broken.

Many people put up trees, lights, and decorations this time of year. I put up a wall. That way everyone will see how great things are in my life and how together I am. No one will know what is really going on inside me. And for a few minutes, neither will I because I’ve buried it all so deep. For 10 years I’ve built this wall. It has been a formidable wall fortified with many substances. I’m afraid though. I’m afraid it isn’t as strong as it has been in the past. I saw last week there were some cracks.

As I was trying to fall asleep at 6am this morning, after being out all night with a youth group function, I started thinking of something I read the night before. I read about having a servant’s heart. That means doing for others because it is the right thing to do, not for what we get out of it. That’s a pretty simplified definition but it works. As I thought about that my mind took it a step further and I asked myself the question, “Who would I give my life for?” Obviously my answer included family members and some close friends. Those are easy because the love in the relationship is reciprocated. But then my list grew to include a half a dozen people that I really care about and would sacrifice anything for even though I know the feeling isn’t mutual. In fact, most of the people on this list have openly rejected me for reasons of their own.

Then I heard a voice in my head ask, “Why would you be willing to lay down your life for someone who wouldn’t do it for you? For someone who may not even thank you for your sacrifice?” The question startled me but I had to answer, “because I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for them.” Then the voice answered, “Now you understand Christ’s love.”

Revelation 21:18 - The material of the wall was jasper…
Revelation 21:19 - … the first foundation stone was jasper…

In describing the new heaven, the apostle John tells of how the walls, foundation, and streets are made of precious stones and metals. One of these stones is jasper. Jasper is a beautiful stone but also a pretty common one. I was given a piece of jasper a week ago as a reminder of heaven and the promises we have as Christians. I decided to put it in my pocket and carry it every day with me. Whenever I put my hand in my pocket and feel the stone I’m reminded of heaven. I’m also reminded of something else…

When our Lord Jesus Christ taught us how to pray he said we ought to pray, “Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” God’s will is always done in heaven. To me that means that when his will is done on earth, we have a little piece of heaven here on earth. With so much aridity filling this life it is nice to think we can have a little piece of heaven while we’re here. So that little piece of jasper in my pocket reminds me of heaven, and then it reminds me to pray that His will be done, and then I feel a little better knowing He is in control and I’ve got my little piece of heaven in my pocket, here on earth.

I’ve spent some time recently reading the stories of some famous biblical figures. Two in particular: Ruth and Joseph. Both had terrible things happen in their life. Joseph was sold by his brother’s into slavery and then betrayed by Potipher’s wife and thrown into prison for years. Ruth’s husband died leaving her in a land without her family and any way to support herself. Neither one of these situations were resolved quickly. Both Joseph and Ruth went through seasons of great distress. But they both had something in common: in spite of their circumstances they pressed on, doing what was right, and honoring God. After these seasons of suffering had sufficiently developed their character, God stepped in and changed everything. In an instant they were blessed and their lives were restored.

From this I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson as to how God works. He brings us through seasons of pain and suffering in order to salt our character. This season may seem to go on entirely too long for our liking, but on the other side there is great blessing. And that blessing comes in an instant. In an instant our lives can turn to a living hell, and it can stay that way for some time, but in an instant God reaches down and lifts us out… at the right instant.

I was working out last night and this song called Shine from the Newsboys started playing on my MP3 player. Now this wasn’t a surprise since I had loaded it on my MP3 player but for some reason the words really stood out to me last night. When the song finished I played it again and as I listened I just felt invigorated. As I listened to the chorus I was thinking that this is what I want for my life’s motto.

Again this morning I listened to the song twice in a row and again was invigorated. I just want people to look at me and wonder what I’ve got that they don’t, and I want that answer to be Jesus Christ. Here is the chorus I’m speaking of:

SHINE
MAKE ‘EM WONDER WHAT YOU’VE GOT
MAKE ‘EM WISH THAT THEY WERE NOT
ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING BORED
SHINE
LET IT SHINE BEFORE ALL MEN
LET ‘EM SEE GOOD WORKS, AND THEN
LET ‘EM GLORIFY THE LORD

I am obsessed with finding purpose and meaning in life, especially my life. I’m always looking at something external to give my life a purpose. The one thing I’ve figured out about purpose is that it has to be something bigger than yourself. Meaning it has to be more than a personal selfish pursuit. And I thought I was on the path of that purpose until life socked me in the face and pulled the proverbial rug from under me. Even in the midst of that I thought I’d found a reason but it also proved to be meaningless.

Finally I came to the point where I believed all of life is meaningless. There is no reason for me to continue living. No reason to be good. No reason to really care. No reason to help others because they are basically hopeless unless they help themselves. And this was a torturous valley. As true as it seemed, I couldn’t accept it to be absolute. So I prayed that God would give me some purpose, some reason to live. I just needed one thing that I could point to and say, “That is why I’m alive.”

Then it hit me. I’ve been too concerned with searching for something within this world, some external reason that was going to give me that reason and will to live in spite of whatever aridity I found in the misery surrounding existence. I was looking in the wrong place. The only reason I need for living is to live for God. He created me and he wills me to live until the day he takes my life. I need no other reason than Him to get up every morning. As I open my eyes each day I can pray, “God, you created me for a purpose, you gave me life and you willed me to live another day. I don’t know what your plan is for my life. I don’t know why you’ve allowed my life to take the path it has. But I do know you are the almighty God, in control of everything, your very essence is love, and you haven’t made a mistake in creating me exactly how I am. That is sufficient for me to live today with purpose, trusting that you will provide those things which give my life meaning and fulfillment.”

Yes, impinged is back. This incarnation will be much more simple than previous versions. It will only be a blog - a place for me to journal. This is mainly for my own edification and lustration, but if you enjoy it then all the better.

I’m going to use the lyrics from a Coldplay song to start things off. Coldplay always seems to have a song that fits my melancholy.

Coldplay - The Hardest Part

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I,
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh, and I,
Oh, and I,
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah, that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part