impinged

Well I’m embarrassed when I look at the date of my last post. I just don’t have time to blog like I wish I did. But in case anyone still checks from time to time, I thought I would post a brief update.

My business is what takes all my time lately and whatever spare moments I have are spent with my beautiful wife. It is a busy time but it is also an exciting time. A week ago we launched the first of a series of websites. These sites allow you to design your own t-shirts, hats, aprons, kid’s clothes, fleece blankets and other accessories. Check it out here:

MyTshirtCity.com

You can also check out the MyTshirtCity.com blog (yes I do some blogging just not any personal blogging) here:

blog.MyTshirtCity.com

I admit, postings have been rather sparse lately. I only write when I’m inspired to do so. And right now I am inspired. I actually have a series of posts I plan to write over the next little while. In the same tradition as before, the topics will be things that have either changed me, inspired me, or been revealed to me.

To start off with I want to tell you about three books that have profoundly changed my life. The first is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. A fantastic book about the heart and soul of a man. In amazing clarity he drives deep at what a man really needs to feel alive, and then he gives permission to be a man. Outstanding! The second book is none other than one of the best selling books of all time, not including the Bible, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. In the midst of a dark valley where I almost believed my life had no purpose, this book was the hand that pulled me out of the quicksand. And the final book is the Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus. This book was the final crack in the dam of passion that was ready to break. If you are one of those people who still thinks Christianity is about hypocritical people espousing rules no man could possibly follow, then you need to read this book. Just to give you a taste, McManus says “the greatest enemy to the movement of Jesus Christ is Christianity.” Yeah, that ought to raise a few eyebrows.

And so it is through the journey these books set me on that I’ve come to discover what my life’s priorities are. This may sound elementary but I’ve never been able to articulate them so clearly. And then just recently I’ve had an interesting revelation regarding service. These will be the topics of my next couple of posts… when I get around to it.

You know we all get scared sometimes
and we run
But the funny thing about problems is…
They follow you
So no matter where you go, and I know you’ve all heard this before,
But there you are

It may occur, as you stare into the night’s ethereal firmament
The weight of burdens, the vastness of the universe
All calling for your resignation
Its then you realize you don’t have to fight anymore
But fighting is all you’ve ever known

Capitulation is a foriegn avocation
An option never considered
For we are the strong survivors carrying the onus of the world
The sane crazy among the sagacious
Forever calling for more
Until the mountain rises too high

We find ourselves on that cliff, that precipice of change
Do you jump?
To stay is everything you’ve ever known
Jumping is everything new
Everything

Are you sick enough, sick enough to swallow the pill of fear?
I’m not talking about running
I’m talking about honest change
Looking deep into the heart of your being, the mirror of truth
What makes you tick?
What causes your torment?

Have you cried at that abyssmal bottom?
Wondering how you arrived
Bewildered by life’s ardent tribulation
Incessently searching for that ellusive allayment
With only tears and fears as your guide

You no longer believe your own congregation of prevarications
Guileless before the world
Naked in the misery surrounding existence
There is nothing left but to reach out
To bow your head in humble accord
…To look up

Are you willing to face those demons?
Everything you’ve ever run from?
The guilt, pain, destruction you’ve caused and caused you
To cry those flowing opalescent tears
For your lustration

How tall is the ladder of your dreams?
The magical steps to the heaven of imagination
Is it enough to die at the bottom?
Staring at it like the Mona Lisa
Never to exalt in the first step jubilation

Would you believe in your own endemic miracle?
That there is one set aside for you?
Solicit the faith
Take that first step
Stand up from the ashes of misery
You, can definately change

God take this life
This shattered man
The broken pieces
Held in Your hand

Show me to live
Your will and way
Make them plain
For me each day

Please make me strong
A warrior for You
Willing to fight
To bring the truth

Then I prayed
For love anew
God make her be
A barbarian too

Whose heart is Yours
And hears Your voice
Willing to make
The difficult choice

Then I’ll know
Her love is true
Since before there was me
She first loved You

by SHAWN McDONALD

Driving back from a weekend with friends in Whistler I tried putting into words the things I learned this weekend. I’m not sure I can do a great job of conveying the intimate experience I had. Coming up to Whistler I knew God was working on something for me. I knew he wanted me there even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I thought I was in for a self confidence lesson or maybe to be a positive influence on my friends. I was wrong.

I learned a lot about myself. God has been speaking to me about women. This weekend he was very direct in showing me I needed to change the way I viewed women. He showed me that they are the pinnacle of his creation. That the beauty and glory of God are revealed through women. A woman wants nothing more than to know she is worthy - that she is beautiful. With this revelation I couldn’t just go to the clubs and pick up on girls for my own gratification, just so they could satisfy my need to know if I have what it takes. The time I spent in the clubs I felt sad for the girls. They were there to be used. All I saw was young girls searching for validation of their beauty. And there were a million men there to offer that validation if the girl was willing to sacrifice herself… her soul.

Yesterday it started snowing hard. I was restless and desirous of some quiet time to pray. So I got bundled up and sneaked out the condo for a walk in the snow alone. It was breath taking. The flakes were large and floating straight down. Everything was blanketed in a silent sheet of white. I was in a fantastic winter wonderland nestled far up in the mountains. It was there, in the middle of this beauty, that God broke my heart and I began to cry. My heart was broken for all the women who don’t know they are beautiful. There I was, surrounded by the magnificent beauty of snow falling in the mountains, and it didn’t compare to the beauty of a woman, all women. And I cried because I had never realized it before. Most men don’t realize it and because of it women are lonely. I cried for all the women I’ve had the chance to tell, and not with words, that they are beautiful. Then I cried and repented because I’ve never told a single one.

I told them with words or actions motivated by selfishness but never really told them. Never told them with complete self abondonment. Showed them in a way that was believable and not superficial. Showed them with a pursuit that says you are worthy of pursuing; you are worthy of sacrifice. I choose you not because of the needs you satisfy in me but because you are worthy, because you are beautiful. I ache for the women I’ve known because I know none of them really believe they are beautiful, and they are lonely. But they are beautiful; every one of them is uniquely beautiful and I missed my opportunity. And that breaks my heart because I don’t know how to tell them now. And this broken heart has changed me.

New Year’s eve a friend and I were talking about drinking and driving. He told me he won’t drive anymore if he has even one beer. Which is a great relief because I’ve chewed him out for driving when he was way to drunk. His decision came after realizing that he has probably used up all his second chances and he doesn’t want to ruin someone’s life by driving drunk. He realized what a selfish act it is to get behind the wheel after drinking. He reminded me of the conclusion I’ve come to: that I’ve used up every bit of grace afforded me in that area. When I said that he looked at me and said, “Well God must have a plan for you.” This took me a little by surprise coming from him because he and I aren’t particularly close and I don’t see him as being very spiritual. So I think coming from him it had more of an impact than coming from someone like a pastor - who you would expect to say something like that.

Since that night his words have been rolling over and over in my mind. These words have given me a different perspective on life. Knowing that God spared me during my most reckless years really says to me that he does have a plan for me. And if he has a plan for me then I don’t ever have to worry about what is going to happen to me or about death or dieing. My life is in his hands and I won’t be going anywhere until he is finished with me. And I think he has a lot for me to accomplish yet.

In a way this perspective frees me to live life a little recklessly - to take chances that normally fear or timidity would have held me back from. Chasing life, adventure, danger in order to experience life to its fullest and not with a spirit of timidity. Like I used to.

Through this I think I understand a little better how a man only truly lives when he truly dies: how a person only gains their life by loosing it. It is in this loving life so much that you are willing to risk everything to live it, even death.

Seek life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

This is the story of a soldier, pinned down by the enemy on the battlefield. To stay is certain death, and he wants to live. His will to live is so great that he stands up to fight his way out. Knowing he may die trying, it is a risk he is willing to take.

I went to my aunt’s this weekend. I came here looking for something - not sure what it was or what I would find. In some ways I was scared. I knew there was something upstairs, trying to get out, but I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that I wouldn’t find it at home, that this is one of the only places in the world where life makes sense, and that I had to come here to find it.

And there it was, alone in the pouring rain, it was me. I found me. I found out who I am… my name.

Like all men, I’m still a boy in what I want in life. I want adventure, a battle to fight, danger, and a damsel to save. But where do I find these things? My adventure is life. The danger is change. The battle is fear. My strength is faith that there is purpose for my life. And the damsel? She’s still in the castle with the dragon outside. This is my life and I choose to live it, not merely exist.

This brings me to who I am and what I came here for. It isn’t just who I am, it is who I believe I am. This may seem redundant but there is often a difference there. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am strong physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am strong physically because I exercise every day. I am strong mentally because I was weak. I am strong spiritually because I’ve been broken.

Many people put up trees, lights, and decorations this time of year. I put up a wall. That way everyone will see how great things are in my life and how together I am. No one will know what is really going on inside me. And for a few minutes, neither will I because I’ve buried it all so deep. For 10 years I’ve built this wall. It has been a formidable wall fortified with many substances. I’m afraid though. I’m afraid it isn’t as strong as it has been in the past. I saw last week there were some cracks.

As I was trying to fall asleep at 6am this morning, after being out all night with a youth group function, I started thinking of something I read the night before. I read about having a servant’s heart. That means doing for others because it is the right thing to do, not for what we get out of it. That’s a pretty simplified definition but it works. As I thought about that my mind took it a step further and I asked myself the question, “Who would I give my life for?” Obviously my answer included family members and some close friends. Those are easy because the love in the relationship is reciprocated. But then my list grew to include a half a dozen people that I really care about and would sacrifice anything for even though I know the feeling isn’t mutual. In fact, most of the people on this list have openly rejected me for reasons of their own.

Then I heard a voice in my head ask, “Why would you be willing to lay down your life for someone who wouldn’t do it for you? For someone who may not even thank you for your sacrifice?” The question startled me but I had to answer, “because I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for them.” Then the voice answered, “Now you understand Christ’s love.”